On forgiveness

I cannot remember exactly when this came to my mind. I mean, it was today, but I cannot pinpoint at which moment today –as it has happened with most things since the pandemic. I just got the thought burnt into my brain. It was screaming loudly and with an intensity that's now lost but I can recall vividly. It said:

If someone asks to be forgiven and you deny it, suddenly you've become the asshole.

And I know it's not as easy as it reads. I mean, I would be the first one to say "fuck that, there's things that cannot be forgiven" and it's something that's hard-coded in me. You screwed me over? Well, fuck you. And fuck you twice for missing out on me. Of course, that doesn't mean I will actually get out of my ways and try to make your life a living hell, but, hey, I think I'm allowed to say "no, thank you, good sir" the next time you try to get in my life.

Yes, forgiveness is sometimes earned, but most of the time –again, in my experience– it is certainly not. How can I evaluate the degree of remorse you have? How can I ensure that forgiving you will not give you the opportunity to wrong me again? Most of the time I'm not sure. Sure, that's me being insecure... but I wasn't insecure about you at first, right? Right. I have now such a strong reaction to this that I've come to detest people that hand out forgiveness as if it was free and as if it didn't have any worth. I think most of the problem comes from me tying forgiveness to dignity. Both mine and the offenders'. Did I lose dignity because of what you did? Did you lose dignity doing that? Then it all comes down to the question: Do I regain dignity forgiving you? And even after that... I may as well forgive you, but I won't forget it. Again, we're all entitled to forgive and still not wanting to go back to whatever we had before.

But just thinking of the appearances, asking for forgiveness is more than enough to convince certain people that you deserve it and that's what I've an issue with. Anyways, I think some people will get it and other will say "that's fucked up" and yeah, I agree, it's fucked up.